hmm

I had forgotten how much I really miss cooking, cleaning, and taking care of babies (well, anyone really; it just happens that yesterday I got to put a baby to sleep!). Yesterday sort of made me happy (I got to cook and do stuff like that again) and sort of made sad (I no longer really have anyone to do that sort of stuff for except when I go home [you guys are going to have to let me cook for you a lot now that I've been told I can go back to Hartmann's house and cook] ; also, I haven't ever really cooked and not had my family around, been making something for my family, or helping some member of my family make it). It also made me think quite a bit.

Eventually, there's something that each one of us is supposed to do with our life. In the past year, I've been amazed and intimidated by th thought of A) the circumstances underwhich I wound up here and B)the fact that I can't stay here forever; sooner or later (funny, I always thought it would be later, now it seems to be sooner) I'm going to have to decide exactly what it is I'm supposed to be doing.

Yesterday, I started to wonder what it is that I'm going to wind up doing with my life. I've always wanted to simply "be a mom" , but other than that, I have absolutely no clue. Which struck me as funny; I should have an idea of what I want to do when I get out school, especially since there's no garauntee (certainly not the way things look right now) of that ever even happening. But I have no idea what I would do for a job. Perhaps, I'll go study Canon Law in Italy. That would be fun. Perhaps, I'll go study music in Italy, that would be wonderful. (Not that studying something can actually be counted as a job).

Thing is, there is absolutely nothing that I want to do with my life; I have no ambitions, no expectations, no plans. Which is a very scary thought. Would that leave me stuck living in my parents house forever, flipping burgers for less than minimum wage while my siblings became wonderful people and successful ones, too? Not that I measure success by money or wealth, but I mean, come on, it does help. Especially since they have ambitions and dreams; they know exactly what they want to do.

Right now, I'm not too worried about it, though. If this were spring semester of senior year, then I'd be worried. As it is, I'm only 18 and have three and a half more years (at least) to decide.